If you have an ostomy and struggle with physical intimacy, you are not alone.An analysis of studies shows that 42.6% of enterostomy patients face problems with intimate relationships. Likewise, 52% of colostomy and ileostomy patients avoid intercourse, often due to physical pain, sexual dysfunction, anxiety, and poor body image.
Moreover, up to 38% of adults do not return to sexual activity at all after stoma surgery.Fortunately, if these challenges sound familiar to you, there is a lot you can do to bring intimacy back into your life.
Rekindling Romance & Physical Intimacy With An Ostomy
Romance is like a fire: all you need is a spark and some kindling. Finding and tending to that spark with a stoma is possible!
There are two keys to success.
First, identify barriers to romance and desire, and work strategically to overcome them.
Second, consider the things that light your flame (both things you remember exciting you before getting a stoma, and potential new interests). Then, commit to the work of cultivating those things in your life and relationships.
The barriers and kindling will differ from person to person. That said, certain recurring themes arise among people with ostomy bags. A few tactics have been shown to help reliably.
Build & Reaffirm Trust
Fear and embarrassment are two big emotional barriers to intimacy. To overcome them, cultivate trust–both in your partner and in yourself.
Building trust requires the “4 C’s”: communication, candor, courage, and compassion.
Communication
Communication is key to all healthy relationships. Talk about your boundaries, needs and wants, and how you’re feeling.
Ask your partner about their needs and feelings. Listen with an eye towards cultivating a solution that works for everyone, rather than judgment.
Candor & Courage
Candor means being honest and specific. Honesty can feel vulnerable, so it goes hand in hand with courage.
To prepare for vulnerable conversations, draw on the things that have granted you courage in the past: empowering music or films, petting a dog, spiritual practices, or encouragement from a friend.
Speaking with candor might mean processing complex feelings about your body and what kinds of support it needs to thrive. Or, it might mean being specific about what kinds of touch, movement, or clothing feel good to you.
Compassion
Compassion means treating both yourself and your partner with kindness and respect. It’s a step on the road to acceptance, which is, itself, a step towards positive growth.
Start With Sensuality
Sensuality is the enjoyment and expression of sensory experiences.
Create spaces with your partner that bring together scents, sounds, tastes, textures, and touches you both enjoy. To maintain a pleasurable scent while using an ostomy bag, consider using a medical-grade odor eliminator spray specifically for ostomies.
Don’t put pressure on sensual encounters to be a specific type of experience. Instead, stay present in those moments to appreciate them for what they are.
Cultivate Body Acceptance
Accepting your body and caring for it is important for both your own health and intimacy. One way to build a positive body image is by wearing clothes that make them feel confident and desirable. For people with ostomies, this can mean wearing an ostomy pouch cover that color-coordinates with your outfit–even lingerie ensembles.
Certain covers incorporate noise reduction features, which can further enhance sensual experiences. By limiting the “crunchy” sounds a bag can make, these garments can boost body confidence on multiple fronts.
Pain Prevention & Management
Certain painful stoma complications, like intestinal fistulas, make physical intimacy incredibly challenging or impossible. In these cases, it’s often wise to maintain emotionally intimate relationships with non-sexual, physical touch, and wait until the complication has been successfully treated before trying erotic intimacy again.
In other cases, pain from stoma irritation or vaginal dryness can be treated effectively with daily interventions like soothing skin barrier creams and personal lubricants.
Can You Have Sex With A Colostomy Bag?
Yes, it is possible to have intimate physical relations with an ostomy bag.A person might need to try different positions than the ones they used before getting a stoma, or they may need to plan ahead more than they used to.
Nevertheless, a colostomy bag shouldn’t make sex impossible. Many ostomates have fulfilling intimate relationships, and you can too.
Stoma Sex Tips
Ostomates have discovered several tips and tricks that make physical intimacy easier. Try a few of these tactics:
- Empty your pouch beforehand, to reduce the risk of leaks.
- Start slow.
- Give your and your partner enough space and time to adjust when necessary.
- Use plenty of personal lubricant.
- Position your bodies to avoid putting direct pressure on the ostomy.
- For example, positions where the partner with an ostomy is the “little spoon,” lies on their back, or sits / stands in front of the non-ostomate partner, can all be effective.
- Front-to-front positions can also work as long as the ostomy bag is secure, and it’s protected by a cushion that can absorb any physical impact.
- If you feel weak or sore, try using cushions or positioner pillows to redistribute pressure.
- This lets you rely less on your musculoskeletal strength for stability or movement.
- Use an ostomy wrap belt to secure your pouch to your person, to reduce the risk of it dangling or catching on something.
- This can improve your comfort and range of motion.
- If you won’t need the ostomy bag for a while after emptying it, try replacing it with a discreet, temporary stoma cap.
How Men With Stomas Can Deal With ED & Related Challenges
Erectile dysfunction is a fairly common side effect of stoma for many men. For some, this resolved on its own. For others, it’s worthwhile to talk to a doctor about ED. See if a prescription medication can help.
How Women With Ostomies Can Address Contraception & Dryness
Hormonal contraceptive pills may not work for women after a stoma surgery. The medication often passes through the digestive tract too fast, so it isn’t wholly absorbed.
Women with ostomies can use other contraceptive methods, including hormone-based patches or shots, or barrier methods of contraception.
Vaginal dryness is not uncommon for women with a stoma. Lubricants with a pH in the range of 3.8 to 4.5, and an osmolality of below 1200 mOsm/kg, are best. They most closely match the vagina’s natural environment.
Shop Ostomy Supplies With Medical Monks
Intimacy with an ileostomy or colostomy bag can be challenging. At Medical Monks, we offer a diverse range of ostomy care products to meet your needs.
Talk to your doctor about the best ways to treat your condition. Chat with our team online, or call us at 844-859-9400 to learn more about our products.
